I Make Things Up

I felt I had something to type up here but the more I think it the less I want to type it. I considered a string of profanities as a post but decided that would be a rather cruel thing to do to the few that would read it.

The fact that I have every reason to be sad/depressed/upset/angry about it doesn't make me feel better about it or about feeling any of those ways. Some days I wake up and I just can't face it. I get up in the morning and everything is fine but it creeps up slowly and next thing I know I'm sniveling in front of my boss begging for time off to deal with my shit. I don't feel any better about the fact if I get the time off mostly because I was crying.

I didn't type what I was feeling because I didn't want to cry but I am anyhow. The insurance company is dicking around so much with us right now that we get appointments from the doctor only for the insurance to cancel it and tell is there is just one more piece of information they need. Even if he's not dying anymore and the medicine he's on will supposedly hold him over until we do get treatment... he's still dying. He doesn't say anything anymore. He sits in his chair all night staring at the wall. He seethes and he is hateful and I am but a spectator. The pills don't even touch the pain but if he takes enough they distract him.

Meditated today. It was an experience. I had been avoiding it for a couple of years but it wasn't so bad. Apparently I don't have as many issues as I thought I did.

I feel silly in a lot of ways. I feel silly for neglecting myself and my friends. I feel silly for caring so much about my job. I feel silly for not caring enough about my money. I feel silly for my brain not working right.

I am not almost constantly overwhelmed by my anxiety. That may be a slight exaggeration but it does seem almost like a constant thought lately. It'll pass though I'm sure, I just need to tough it out. I go through it every now and then.

Also, my complete lack of focus just lead to my walking away from this for several minutes before remember it and coming back.

I have a blog now which I hopefully have kept from being linked to this because I don't much like the people I know outside of the internet having that intimate of knowledge about me. I got a a flicker and I have a blog that I put things up on for those people but honestly I feel uncomfortable about the whole things as I don't feel like any of those people know me intimately and nor do I want them to. 

I hope this makes sense because it is on the list of things that worry me for right now.

Weird lately. I always think it's silly when my grandmother goes on about how "weird" she feels but I know what she's talking about and I feel the same. I guess I don't really feel that great and it's not going to kill me to admit even just to myself that the situation I'm in sucks. Maybe I feel weird because I'm getting anxious about it sucking and I'm trying to fight it. It sucks I need to embrace that and move on. I don't think I need to be unhappy or anything. It just sucks and maybe if I give into that now and then I won't keep having these anxiety problems.

Maybe it's not even real anxiety and I'm just good ol' fashioned sad. I think I am at least right now. He just left he was only here for a day and he came up to make me feel better because I haven't been handling myself as well as I thought I was. I guess it's a good sign that I don't hide it from him but it's still embarrassing especially that I had to admit he was right. I need to start saving money better, I'm going to go ahead and apply to the post office because apparently they recently hired a group and I never heard about it so I'll just do it and see if I hear back. I need the money because I need a place.

It would be nice to find a place with Cordelia and her boy. At this rate I can't afford not to have roommates. I'd really like to look into buying a small house though. I just need to get some money saved up. I'll have to work two jobs.

So, I've been spending a lot of time with my dying grandmother lately. Which is not to complain but to explain the crazy way I've been feeling lately. Grandma and i aren't close by any means but this last year or so she has finally taken to me. So, we don't talk much but we do spend time together. Also, I have to mention, once again not to complain, that Josh took his family on vacation so Gavin hasn't been around for awhile.

All of that was to explain that I feel incredibly lonely and that with out all the kisses, hugs, and I love you's I normally get from Gavin I think I was going a bit crazy as they say you do when you don't receive enough physical contact. Which leads to this paranoid fear that since I hadn't heard from any of my friends lately that they secretly hated me and didn't have the heart to tell me so. It sounds dumb, but I'm crazy. That coupled with spending 30% of my day in the bathroom with the stomach flu for the past three days is why I bailed on craft day yesterday.

So, sorry for being weird and aloof. I really do love all of my friends and miss them dearly, I'm just crazy and I don't mean to do it.

By the by I bought "The Enchanted Collection" by Gail Carson Levine so I read the only one of the books I hadn't before and am now in the process of reading the others. I love my girly fantasy stories.

feeling so unbalanced all of the sudden. My skin is hot and my heart is racing yet I've been playing around on the computer for hours now. I feel so passionate but I don't know about what and I feel as though something important might rush out of me. This is such a strange way to feel. On the brink of total overwhelming emotion. It is so hard to type right now my brain is so scattered. Breath.

I need sex. I don't have nearly the problems with adrenaline when I'm having regular sex.

I should find an outlet. I feel particularly creative yet so scattered I can't really grasp anything. Maybe if I focus I will do something lovely. I think I'm going to be sick to my stomach. Oh my. Breath. I have something I started the other day but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I haven't written in such a long time. I should probably just work on my D&D games I need to put together. I love small details and I've been slacking on them lately.

So, blah blah I'm tired of fucking talking about moving back to Kansas. Seriously everyone is asking?! Like people who only kind of knew moved and I am just so absolutely sick of talking about it that I haven't even written in my diary for two weeks. I have an interview (well sort of) with a Starbucks manager on Monday and I'm sure I'll have to spill the beans on it. I'm just tired of it and it wasn't really the type of thing that's enjoyable or even cathartic to talk about. YES I KNOW  IT  SUCKS  THAT  I  AM  NOT  LIVING WITH  MY  HUSBAND  THANK  YOU  EVERYONE  FOR  SO GRACIOUSLY POITING IT OUT AND THEN PATRONIZING ME ABOUT MY OWN GODDAM RELATIONSHIP! Maybe just maybe I'm not the person that my love (or fidelity) can be determined by a mere two hundred miles.

Now that venting over with onto business. Started food blog and have done absolutely nothing with it. Hopefully that will change Monday. I will be cooking Salmon in a wight wine marinade with *FRESH* mushrooms, carrots, and green beans. Oh and delicious roasted red bell peppers from a jar. Never really done fish before so it should be interesting. It's a tried and true recipe I do with chick all the time with only a few modifications so I'm not too frightened. 

I haven't talked to anyone in... a while. I got put on late shifts and that just turns my world upside down and slows time until it feels like it isn't even inching by. Never been a night person and working past midnight and then a forty five minute drive home is almost enough to kill me. Especially considering my shift starts before four. Bleh. It's supposed to be over after next week and I'll be back to morning shifts and I'm going to go home.

I miss everyone and the grandmother I'm not close to is about to die. I mostly want to be there for my mom.

Of course this being the weekend Kyle's away so I don't even have him to come home to. It's alike a strange purgatory. I am working with Lisa who is very chill and has the same interests as me. So far she's the most enjoyable person I've worked with at this store. She seems to be the most if not the only down to earth person.

Missed Cordelia tons last night. If my phone hadn't been dead I probably would've called on my break to yell about the absurdities I encounter here. I'm still a bit snarly mad about the passive-aggressive feedback I could barely hear as it was hissed out so quietly and quickly I had little do to but raise my eyebrows at her.

Drama abounds. This place is insane. Tonight ought to be cool but it feels like it's been days since Kyle left not just yesterday. I'm counting down the minutes practically until he gets back.

Last night was my first night alone at the new place. Thank god I'm going to be working on the weekends after this. It was not cool. It was very hard to sleep.

Things are ok. I like the place all right. We didn't get the really nice ones but at least it's a few hundred cheaper. I think we can get it pretty nice anyway.

I'm so anxious though I could puke. This sucks. I wish Kyle was coming back sooner.

I has job. In a store that calls itself Bixby for some reason even though the location is on like memorial street but whatever. It's probably the name of the strip mall or something.

The manager there seems kick ass, we talked for awhile when she called. My manager told her that I'm legendary which means in pretty specific terms that when I get my review tomorrow the odds of me getting a sweet-ass raise are pretty damn good. I'm going to miss my store so much. Ours is like a tight knit family and I know most stores aren't like that and I think I'll miss them a lot when I'm somewhere else.

So, I have a place and a job and for once everything is in cement and I am moving next week, oh emm gee.  It's very exciting.

Everyone asks if I'm excited and honestly there's been so much stress and chaos over this whole thing that honestly it just feels like I'm holding my breath and once I'm there with my boxes and when go to sleep for the first night together I'll maybe be able to breath again.

I am freaking out because I love up here so much. I have the best job, the best store in the world, and friends, and family, and city, so I'm running off to Tulsa. It's a little depressing but my fingers are crossed that I can go home for good one day. I love him though and I'll be happy no matter what but I'll miss my home.

Very tired, awesome weekend though.

Muskogee's faire is so phenomenally better than the one up here! We're going to sign up to volunteer at the faire grounds 'cos apparently they do events and things year round.

It turns out there are five actual honest to god priests that are involved in this whole thing. One of whom I met and flirted with quite outrageously. *heart* I think if I become part of the cast/crew it would be best if I were... better behaved around him. Oh my, but does he kiss a lady's hand better than any other man there.

We made quite a big impression as by the time we left the second day at least half the cast/crew knew us and it is a rather large faire so that is saying a lot. It was actually the cast who first suggested that we sign up.

Interesting note, down there I can go about in shorts and no one gives two shits about my tattoo. It's quite refreshing.

Ok, a little over dramatic with the title but I'm sick.

I've got ninja strep. I'm not stuffed up and my throat doesn't hurt but I'm getting fevers on and off and this morning I had a migraine that made me want to gouge my own eyes out.

Apparently I'm not allowed to have three sick days in a four month period with out getting a bad mark and a lecture on how I need to find out why I'm sick "all the time".

Keep in mind that when I'm sick I:
A) Show up for work!!! (Read: Do my fucking job)
B) Discuss it with whoever is in charge
C)Call around my goddam self to have someone come in and work for me

You know what most other people do? C only. Ever. They're sick all the fucking time too.

I feel stressed out and under appreciated. I feel awful, I was supposed to do my school stuff today but I passed the fuck out when I got home. I have to do it tomorrow and try to get into the chiropractor. I didn't go home sick today because I got a seriously negative vibe about it. We were fucking dead anyway so they let me go home early since they had to cut hours. If they counted it against me I'll steal their first born children and sacrifice them to pagan gods. I'm not happy.  

I spend too much money but I have quite a bit of delicious tea now.

I don't know what has happened that has triggered this but lately there is a passion just beneath my skin. I feel stiffed though, by myself or something else I'm not sure but it's almost always myself. Everything I touch or see or smell or remember makes me want to shed this skin and it let it out. I haven't been prone to mood swings or anything like that lately so I don't think it's hormonal. It's something I can't shake or I just don't want to.

I bore of superficial relationships. I want to write and I'm actually following through on it. I feel so inspired even if I am not committed to any great work. It feels like it is only a tiny step in quelling this passion that burns beneath my skin. I found something I had lost for a long time; I want to feel everything, I want to be aware of everything. I'm tired of ignoring that world around me and being surrounded not only by my delusions  but those of the people around me. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to sit on the cool grass outside and smell the earth, I want to walk in the park and kick dandelions, I want to write in my real journal, I want to meditate and I want to pray.

I want to feel things; real things. I want to know the hate the still lurks in my heart. I want to be aware of myself. Truly aware. I want to feel the anger that still makes me tremble. I want to feel the love that makes me helpless. I want to sing. I want to be lost in fiction.

Things To Pack for my wedding/vacation:

1) Video camera
2) Skateboard
3) Lovely things
4) Clothes:
        A) Comfy pants (x2)
        B) Cashmere sweater
        C) jean shorts
        D) green skirt (St Patty's Day)
        E) Ubber cute outfit
        F) Undies
5) Awful new trendy cell phone
6) PS2
7) S Factor book (my spine is out of alignment and it is painful so I need to practice)
8) Pills:
        A) BC
        B) Advil PM 
        C) Vitamins
9) Razor(s) &/or shaving cream
10) Hair ties
11) Makeup

Oh emm gee, I am really excited actually. I swear I was fine and now all of the sudden I'm losing my mind.

ONLY RAPISTS CAN PREVENT RAPE

There's something I've been coming across a lot lately and it's starting to make me mad. I keep hearing this double standard bit about how amazingly powerful girls are but they're also weak and only ever innocent.

I hate that double standard. It's the guy's fault no more than it is the girl's under common circumstance. It's our society as a whole that's misleading the children and then condemning them. Girls for being pathetic and guys for being devious. Neither is standardly true.

I hear a lot of feminist non-sense lately.  I never really thought of myself as being non-feminist until recently. I'm not and I don't have any regrets. That title carries a lot of bias myopic drivel. I'm just sick of hearing how evil and deceitful all men are. Fucking seriously. It's a bunch of scarcely founded nonsense that makes a handful of cunts feel validated.

Get the fuck off your soapbox and have a cock, honestly.

The title is a joke. Really, I swear.

Life seems to have reached a lull. There's good and there's bad but it's just making me crazy. So, I think I'm going to culinary school since it's the only thing I've ever wanted more than become a nun, which I obviously can't do now. I think it'll go well. I can only hope anyway. I'm terrified of the responsibility of being a grown-up again but this life right now is driving me insane. I know work and the chances of seeing friends won't really change for the better but I'll be doing something with my life and I'll get to see my soon-to-be-husband (as of about this time next month) more than once every month or two.

I've been reading, though not as much as I should. I've fallen back into the dark depths of D&D once again. I want to feel bad for it but I really do have an utterly ridiculous amount of fun.

I went back and was reading some things I had written and I surprised by how much (despite th type-o's) it didn't suck. I should write erotica, it would be so damn easy. It's a shame I'm terrified of pursuing a a literature based degree. I know I wouldn't have the stomach for. Me and school were never the tightest of friends. Fingers crossed I can make it through cooking. I did fail that class in high school.

It's been awhile, eh?

I haven't even been writing in my IRL journal for awhile.

Things feel intensely crazy right now. I think I'm handling it well though. At least  at the moment since I broke down and called Kyle to confirm that  (despite what my subconscious told me last nightt) he  is not actually on the verge of leaving me for really bizarre reasons. Stupid brain.

Today kind of bites. Doing my best though to not get down about it.

I do have some positive things going on right now. Ish. At least one.

I feel really sensitive today so it was good that Noah decided to hang up his douche hat for the day. I had a lot of fun joking around with him and Daniel. Work was hell though. Mondays are forced to suck. At least at my job.

I like that I'm helping Crystal in her efforts to overcome her anxieties and fears. We've had some really nice discussions lately. I'm not sure they're helping me though.

I work at coffee shop for those of you that don't know. It's an unbelievably great job. I have fun and I work with really great people that are unique and intelligent. The pay is good for starting at bottom level and then add on tips and it's actually pretty dang nice. Not to mention the great FULL BENEFITS I get for PART TIME. It's a great job, I love it.

We have many many people that return daily, most them are known by name by at least one of the employees. We love our regulars and they love us, for the most part anyway. We remember their names and their drinks so we call out their name and someone makes the drink no matter what's going on. Belinda is beautiful and has a very complex drink, Stan is so filled with joy he reminds me of Christmas no matter what the season, The Chai Lady (read: Karry) who although she is as friendly as the rest has too outrageous of a drink not to mention it every time she comes through, Nicholas says the sweetest things to me I just have about ever heard, Shelly loves her foam, and Robert doesn't say much but I know his drink when he pulls into the drive-through before he's even said anything. I love these people and they make my job worthwhile.

Then there are the people who come in and make me want to give up on all of humanity.

The Frapp B*tch - She finally stopped coming because all though the customer is always right and the company protocol demands our politeness there are loopholes. She came through several times when I first got the job and was just awful to me from the start and had me distressed and flustered. One time because I said "Light Ice" instead of "Extra Ice", after taking her money I peeked around the corner to see who was making the frapp and there I see my morning drive-through-buddy pooring the thickest frapp I have to this day ever seen. It was nearly all white from all the ice. My buddy just smiled at me and said "Looks like she won't be getting all those extra shots." as he spooned out half of the thick mixture into her venti cup. He was my saviour.

1. Don't come looking for trouble from the people that are making what you're about to consume.

2. Don't yell at one employee absurd accusations against another employee because they don't care and no they won't tell the other employee or the manager. (Happened my first day. Jerked yelled at me for Monica "dipping her fingers" in his 200 degree drink.)

3. "On Ice", "Iced", and "Blended Ice" are not at all the same!

4. "White Mocha" is actually the same as "White Chocolate Mocha". I swear to god, stop correcting me!

5. Don't call your server/waiter/barista/whatever an idiot when you're asking him/her to do something that is not their job and they don't do it or, they don't fetch you things while they're talking to other customers.

6. You get a new drink for free without yelling. In fact just say it's wrong and you get a free drink.

7. We don't give out Recovery Certs/coupons because we're sorry or as a reward for your bitchiness. We give them out so we don't have to deal with you.

8. Tip when your sever does well! I get awesome tips but the days I'm really on a roll and kicking butt and I'm feeling ecstatic I NEVER get tipped!